My Frenemies, the Holidays.
It happens every year, some time about mid-September, while my friends are sharing excited Facebook posts about pumpkin spice lattes, hoodies and upcoming holiday fun, I am being slowly pulled into a black morass of depression. Year after year, I tell myself that THIS season will be different. That I will fight the darkness more vigorously. That I will find a “smart” new way to dodge the depression bullet, but, alas, just like every other year, this mid-September came and I could feel the cold, grey tentacles of sadness start to pull at my soul.
I wasn’t always like this… Although I do not have such fond memories of many of the holidays of my childhood, after I moved out I made it my mission to have the happy, safe holidays of my dreams. In college I was the obnoxious roommate that not only put up a tree, but also adorned every empty space with some form of holiday cheer. Once I was out of college the holiday madness continued. I turned every crappy apartment I lived in into a bastion of holiday spirit. While I decorated, I fanatically listened to Christmas music and watched every holiday special that was aired. I threw holiday parties for my friends that were over the top food and wine fests. Yes, I was a true holiday junkie, so what happened? I used to say my “time of sadness,” which is what I came to name the holiday season, started with the end of my first marriage. But, in retrospect, I believe it was that and much more.
After my marriage ended it brought up a lot of painful memories from my past and forced me to deal with unearthed demons that I had thought had been long ago deeply buried, never to resurface again. It was at this point that I started working every holiday, thinking that if I could make it a “regular” day, the darkness would somehow subside. It did not. If anything it made it worse because I was surrounded with jolly people loving the holidays that I loathed and having to pretend like I loved them too and lying about what I had planned. I mean really, does anyone want to hear that your plans for Christmas Eve are sitting in your apartment alone, drinking too much red wine and slowly eating an entire large cheese pizza? So, for years, I put on a happy face, worked through them and prayed for January 2nd.
Then I met my second husband. A fabulous Jewish man with an odd fascination with every thing Christmas. And for that matter, Thanksgiving. Because he grew up not really celebrating either, he felt he now had a chance to make up for lost time. So, for him, the holidays came back into my life. But, the sadness never left.
I call the holidays my frenemies because by starting new traditions with my husband there are some things I do like about the holidays. Namely the food. I look forward to our huge cheese boards and champagne soaked breakfasts. I love shopping for the wine and splurging on fancy breads. But, through it all I am sad. Even the brightest Christmas tree is dull to me because I look at it through a dark veil of depression. And EVERY year, right before Halloween, I tell my husband that I am simply too sad to celebrate the holidays. That the thought of decorating the house, shopping for food and forcing a smile is far too much for me. And EVERY year he says, “It’s okay honey. Whatever you need to do to feel better.” I just told him this again and again he responded in the same way. Which, of course, adds guilt to my depression because I know how much he truly enjoys the holidays. Am I going to celebrate this year? I do not know. But right now, not knowing is okay and just saying that makes me feel a little better…
A Single Girl’s Dinner
So, my husband is out of town and will be for a few days. I do miss him, but am enjoying living the “single” life again. No, I am not going out to clubs, getting drunk and picking up men. I am taking long hot baths, playing lots of online Boggle, catching up on my gossip magazines and tweezing my eyebrows in the living room (better light). Before he left, he said, “Make sure you eat!” I laughed at him, but now, I understand why he said it, one eats strange things when they live alone…
These strange eating habits are not new to me. I was single for a LONG time. But somehow, I thought being married had “broken” me of these habits. I was wrong. Scary how quickly we can revert to old, comfortable ways. When I had my first apartment (with no roommates) I NEVER cooked. I lived on Lean Cuisines, alcohol, cigarettes and Del Taco (always at 3 in the morning). Looking back it is a wonder I didn’t develop scurvy. Wait! Must have been the grapefruit juice in all the Greyhounds I drank that saved me. At this point in my life I would order Bloody Mary’s because I thought the vegetables that came with it were like a meal! As I got older, I didn’t get much wiser. I was always working in restaurants and would live on pilfered bread which I would dip into salad dressing, olive oil or spicy mayonnaise (REALLY good! Just mix hot sauce into mayo until it is pink). Occasionally I would go to a salad bar… But I still used my stove as storage and had nothing but beer, vodka and every condiment known to man in my refrigerator. I wasn’t alone in this behavior. My girlfriends were the same way. We loved to play the game, “What I ate for dinner”. My friend Adelaide’s go to dinner was an entire sleeve of saltine crackers, each lovingly slathered with mayonnaise. My friend Nicole would stand at her kitchen counter and eat 1/2 pound of cheddar cheese. If I didn’t pick up a Lean Cuisine (can’t even LOOK at these now) I would dip Snyder’s pretzels in mustard & light sour cream. Remember the Lean Cuisine spots where the woman talked about the horrible dinners they ate? Loved that spot, because it was so true. True story, during the L.A. riots, when all the markets were closed, I was forced to live on VERY stale corn tortillas, cream cheese and Del Taco hot sauce for three days. Still, it didn’t change my habits.
I FINALLY broke out of this a few years back and actually, gasp, starting grocery shopping. I realized how nice it was to come home and have something besides fast food ketchup packets, pretzels and canned green beans in the house. You know, real food. So I was rather shocked when I first started dating my husband and opened his refrigerator. A half-eaten can of salmon with a fork in it and a jar of whitefish was all that was there. I told him, “Go shopping!” He did, but I was comforted that single eating habits applied to men as well…
So, here we are, present day and I am alone in a house full of food. Lots of fresh vegetables, cheeses, salsa, fruit, bread, etc. And, when my husband is home I cook! Every night. But he is gone and what do I choose to eat? The first night I had a handful of baked tortilla chips, four strawberries and some chocolate chips. I did drink too many light beers and played Boggle to the wee hours of the morning. Last night I ate some almonds, a whole wheat tortilla with mayonnaise on it (it was delicious!) and some shredded mozzarella cheese straight from the package, standing in front of the fridge. Wow.
So now I face another “single” dinner tonight and would like to think that I can have a proper meal. I am planning on making myself a big salad, but deep down I know I will probably opt for a grab and nibble approach to dinner. Why do we do this? What compels us? I don’t have the answer… I DO know that my husband is eating VERY well on his trip. He has gone out for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday and has eaten salads, fish and other disgustingly normal things.
I am going to be honest. I am not going to go home and make a salad or anything else. I am planning on chips and salsa. Beck’s Light (Try it! Really great & only 64 calories) and more Boggle. I guess I don’t need to understand why I do this… I just do. And secretly, I enjoy it. Like I enjoy driving too fast, scary movies and the Jersey Shore. I feel like I am being bad. And sometimes, nothing feels better than being bad. One more thing, I will put lime in my beer, so I AM getting vitamin C.
The Price of Healthy Eating
I just got back from the grocery store and I am angry. Why? Why must anything that is healthy and/or good for me cost an arm and a leg? And furthermore, why is it that if it is unhealthy, I can get it for a song? Jamie Oliver and Michelle Obama can preach healthy food choices all they want, but until the actual cost of food is addressed, they will not go very far. Trust me, I agree with both Michelle and Jamie, but I also live in the “real” world, where I am on a budget and don’t have $300 a week to spend on “healthy” food. That being said, I do feel lucky that I can shop and eat healthfully, but wonder every time I am at check-out, how struggling families have been “priced” out of the choice.
See, it is just me, my husband and four spoiled cats. No kids. Yet, our grocery bill, as of late, has become astronomical and it brings to mind how difficult it must be for parents. Now, to set the record straight, I am not buying $50 bottles of wine, aged balsamic and ripe triple cream brie. Although, I must admit, just writing that made my stomach rumble! I am buying fresh fruit and vegetables, fish and whole grain breads. What we are “told” by countless talking heads to eat, correct? Well, this healthy diet becomes increasingly expensive with every trip to the store. Two dollars for one avocado and it is in season! Really? Five dollars for a loaf of multi-grain bread! Huh? Thirteen dollars a pound for salmon? Thud (that was me fainting and hitting the floor)!
Now, the other side of all of this is just how INEXPENSIVE “junk” food has become. If I wanted to live on boxed macaroni and cheese (Yes. It IS good, in moderation), ramen, white bread and sodium, preservative laden cheap frozen dinners, I would save a fortune. In dollars at least, but I have a sneaking suspicion that eating that way would cause me to spend much more on health care, medication, etc. Isn’t that the crux of it? If we can make healthy food affordable, we ALL save! We end up with a healthier country and lower health care costs.
But this also applies to fast food. Why, if I were a working Mother, would I spend ten times the money and my time to create a healthy dinner for my family when I could simply pick up two large pizzas for ten dollars? Or why even shop at all? With the low, low price of fast food these days, it would probably be cheaper, at least monetarily, to consume ALL meals out. Start wit a dollar sausage biscuit at McDonalds, for lunch get two dollar beef burritos at Taco Bell, then pick up a five dollar large pizza at Little Caesar’s for dinner. Grand total? Eight dollars for the entire day!
So, until we can get our food costs under control, I don’t see America solving its obesity problem. Eating healthfully should not be reserved for the wealthy. It saddens me that in the land of “plenty” there are so many that are going without nutritional foods. Okay, I am finished ranting. All this anger has made me hungry. I think I will go and eat a three dollar orange.
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