I have always had mixed emotions about Valentine’s Day.  Maybe because I have spent more Valentine’s Day as a single person (singles awareness day?) than as a couple.  Maybe because all the really cheesy romantic stuff that is shoved down our throats turns my stomach, because, well, it is NOT me.  Hell, I still refuse to watch Titanic OR The Notebook.  Or, maybe it is due to the fact, that I, like most women, really DO like to get flowers, chocolates and a nice dinner out.  So, you can see where I am torn.  Do I give into my soft under-belly that wants that box of chocolates or do I allow my very cynical hard exterior to sarcastically pooh-pooh Valentine’s Day and all the over-wrought sentiments for which it stands?   Well, I have decided to do both!  Here it goes…

My soft under-belly thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with an evening that involves flowers, good food, wine, chocolate, cheese (both the edible & a little figurative) and sex.  I mean, really, what is wrong with that?  My husband is great with this, he simply comes out and asks me, “What kind of chocolates do you like?”  I know there are some “romantics” (see Titanic sentence above) that would think that was horrible.  Not me.  I don’t want to be saddled with the wrong chocolates! By the way, I always ask for dark chocolate-nuts and chews.  He also always buys me flowers and gives me a very nice card with just enough sentimentality for me to handle.   But even better, he buys me cheese! Yes, cheese.  Two or three really ripe kinds that he knows I adore.   After nibbling on the cheese,  we will go out to dinner.  At dinner we will drink some great wine and then, if not too full (it has happened!) we will have a romantic evening together (read-sex).  I am looking forward to it…

My hard cynical exterior thinks this is all rubbish.  That why not get rid of the Valentine’s Day aspect of the aforementioned evening entirely?  And simply have an evening that is a celebration of cheese, chocolate, food, wine and sex.  No heavy romantic notions needed.  No expectations that lead to bitter disappointments.  Just a nice night together.  My cynical self has a good point. And this is the part of me that worked in restaurants on more Valentine’s Days than I can count.  That saw the hypocrisy, falseness and pain (yes, pain) of this so-called Day of Love.  Husbands out with their mistresses, women going out with men just to go out and unhappy couples simply going through the motions.  If you want to put a magnifying glass on anything that is wrong with your relationship, Valentine’s Day will do it.

The problem as I see it is the pressure we put on ourselves around Valentine’s Day.  When we are single, we feel pressure to either go out with our girlfriends (we don’t need a man!) or stay home and take a bath, drink wine, etc (STILL, we don’t need a man!).  When we are dating somebody new, we tend to use that first Valentine’s Day as a barometer for the entire relationship.  If it goes well, he could be the one.  If it goes badly, well then, we are immediately on the phone with our girlfriends dissecting and analyzing EVERY moment of the evening.  Desperately trying to figure out what he MEANT by giving us daisies or NOT giving us a card…  If we are in a long-term relationship, we torture ourselves with thoughts of, “Will he ask me to marry him tonight?”  And then once again over-analyze every detail with our girlfriends if he does or if he doesn’t.  If we are married, we pressure ourselves with how we look, is he still attracted to us and the need to have mind-blowing sex.  We need to stop the insanity!  And simply accept ourselves and/or our partners.  Trust me, Valentine’s Day is NOT the day to make any major relationship decisions.  For most of us, emotions and expectations are just too high.

Besides, if I had judged the future of my very happy relationship with my husband by our first Valentine’s Day together, I would have thought that we would never have worked and that he was a jerk extraordinaire. Because the first Valentine’s Day I spent with my husband was a disaster.  We had decided no gifts.  Just cards and dinner.  When we got to the restaurant, the hostess hugged my husband and then proceeded to inappropriately fawn all over him.  When I could finally peel her off of him, we were seated.  I gave him my card and he became angry, saying, “We said no cards!”  I argued. He threw his napkin on the table and stood up, threatening to leave.  He didn’t, but, well, a damper was put on the evening.  We decided to stop at the casino before going home.  He played so long, I started falling asleep IN the casino.  Finally we get home and he says, “I don’t know if I want to be with you.  I think I need a month to figure this out.”  I can’t write here what I said back to him for fear of psychologically scarring my readers.  Suffice it to say, it involved the “F” word and many other expletives.  A few weeks later, he got down on his knee and asked me to marry him.

We now laugh about that Valentine’s Day.  I now try not to put so much pressure on myself (and him) on this holiday and simply enjoy it.  This year we will eat cheese and chocolates, exchange cards and go out to our favorite Italian restaurant.  Then, if we have not eaten too much, we will have a romantic evening together.  Even if we do over-indulge (you know, get home and finally exhale as you peel off the pants cutting into your stomach), I know we will have many chances for romantic evenings in the future.  And if Valentine’s Day is REALLY all about love, then that is how it should be… Accepting, light-hearted and full of laughter.  And cheese, wine and chocolate, of course. Happy Valentine’s Day!