We are just a few days from the finale of Celebrity Apprentice and I must admit I am giddy with excitement.  For the record, I am for Team Clay.  Simply because I can’t stand Arsenio Hall.  I mean, really, a grown man who vilifies a young woman…  But as much as I would like to spend this time analyzing EVERY moment of the past season (Dayana Mendoza IS a box of rocks), that is not what this is about.  Of course, it is about the food and drink the celebrity contestants were eating in drinking in almost EVERY scene!

My first question is about the post boardroom snacks.  The winning team goes back to the suite and gears up to watch, on a large screen television,  the losing team squirm under The Donald’s steely gaze and impossible comb over.  But wait, there is more, there is an array of food and drink.  Always champagne.  My husband and I paused the TV(yes, we are that obsessed) and have decided that the champagne is Cristal.  We slow-motion through this scene every week trying to figure out EXACTLY what they are eating.  It is quite a spread! Fabulous fruit, tea sandwiches and tons of sweets.  And these celebrities EAT!  You can barely understand their snide comments because they are all talking with their mouths full of food.  I LOVE it!  Honestly, I am surprised that they all didn’t gain 20 pounds.  But this is just the beginning…

The celebrities eat their way through every task.  Burgers, salads, deli platters, whole roast chickens, ice cream sundaes, the list goes on and on.  Lisa Lampanelli was scarfing what looked like some kind of delicious Thai salad while she worked on the script for the “Puppet Challenge”.  It was that same salad that she spewed all over Trump Jr. and Dayana Mendoza as she screamed at them during one of her many Dayana Diatribes (BTW, I agree w/ Lisa!).  I SWEAR I saw Trump Jr. brushing bits of lettuce and peanut dressing off the lapel of his $10,000 suit as he backed out of the room.  Or how about when Aubrey O’Day (I LIKE her, can’t help it!) was “stepping” on Arsenio’s toes and talking to the OTHER (the blonde one) Trump Jr. about the upcoming challenge?  She was excitedly telling him ALL about HER VERY creative idea while eating what looked like a kick ass burger.  I THINK she even motioned a few times with it!  How about when Debbie Gibson almost choked to death because she was trying to sing “Shake Your Love” while ravenously consuming a pita stuffed with falafel?  No wonder Lou Ferrigno couldn’t understand any of them.  How do you lip read through fried chicken?

Equally fascinated to me are the celebrities that NEVER seemed to eat.  Penn Gillette was like a monk on a fast.  And you KNOW he eats! He is like seven feet tall.  I decided he was a closet eater and when the cameras turned off he headed for the Taco Bell drive-thru and ordered $40 worth of food.  Clay Aiken was another one.  Gingerly sipping water.  Piously watching the others stuff their faces.  I think he is a cyborg.  I am convinced he never eats and lives on the adoration of his “Clay Mates”.

The only time these people are not eating is when they are in the boardroom or when they convene in front of the altar that is The Donald for their new challenge.  It makes me think that Donald has seen the footage of them eating…  Or maybe Junior told him about the half-chewed lettuce on his lapel.

So, not only do I want to see the drama of the finale unfold (how many people will Aubrey O’Day piss off?), but I also want to see what they will be eating.  I am hoping The Donald breaks with tradition and serves a lavish buffet during the final boardroom.  Would love to see Dayana Mendoza trying to answer questions through a mouthful of pasta (Dayana we can’t understand you!).  Victoria Gotti picking at a salad and looking bored.  Lisa Lampanelli and Aubrey O’Day getting in a food fight with the deviled eggs.  Arsenio Hall looking superior while he bad-mouthed both of them.

Let me propose a NEW spin for next season.  Combine Celebrity Apprentice with Man vs. Food with a soupcon of Top Chef thrown in… Every challenge would be centered around food.  This season all we got was that lousy sandwich challenge where Victoria Gotti chatted with other Mob Wives and Cheryl Tiegs was confused by cheese.  Then the celebrities on the losing team have to face a timed eating challenge.  The one that eats the least is fired.  Wouldn’t you love to see Lindsay Lohan desperately trying to eat more hot wings in ten minutes than Roseanne Barr and Keifer Sutherland?  A girl can dream, can’t she?